Catching up

So here we are...I am having a hard time journaling every day so I'll just do the best I can! That's a more reasonable goal!

Noah's been quite a handful lately. Screaming every time he's upset, saying the S word, and basically showing me that he is indeed turning three in a few weeks. Ah the peaceful time we've been enjoying since the last six-month disequilibrium arose is coming to an end. I haven't been keeping my temper in check either, so we've entered this vicious cycle where he yells, I tell him we don't yell, then I lose it and end up yelling...the very thing I'm getting on him about. It's so hard sticking to the whole no-punishment-gentle parenting-thing. I feel like he does need consequences, but it's hard to draw the line between consequence and punishment. I read that I'm just suppose to walk away, as opposed to sending him away, when he disrespects me and explain to him that I don't want to be around him when he treats me like that. But that's kinda like punishment to me. I don't know. It's getting sooooo old repeating myself day after day...Noah time to get dressed, time to eat, time to take a nap, time to brush your teeth, time to get in the car, time to leave. He'll even say, "Let's go left." and I'll think I'm giving him what he wants and being flexible by going left. Then he wants to do the complete opposite. I give up! I am so exhausted from trying to empathize and keep up with his whirlwind moods and very vocal way of expressing frustration that by the time it's time for a break, I don't even have the energy to do something fun.

On a positive note, I saw videos of baby Noah last night that totally melted my heart. Here I go being Debbie Downer again...I also felt guilty...that I didn't really remember a lot of it. I also felt very anxious watching times when he was frustrated. I've had a really hard time dealing with Noah's way of expressing frustration from the time he was born...he gets frustrated very easily and is very loud, whiny and vocal about it...always has been. When he's this upset, he doesn't want my help...wants to figure it out himself...so I try to empathize with him, let him know I understand his frustration. But he's so damn loud that he can't even hear me trying to attempt to verbalize his feelings of frustration. I just feel so helpless and lost lately. I feel like I'm not a very good parent lately...not very patient or setting a good example and like he doesn't really like me. I feel like I'm always the bad guy and always resorting to yelling. Not good. I want another baby, but lately I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I pray to God I get a mellow one this time around...